


The Angel is Falling

by lillyjayne25



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-01-20 06:11:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1499618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillyjayne25/pseuds/lillyjayne25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rated mature for later chapters</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dean

It was just starting to get dark as we pulled off the highway and into the lot of the motel. Sammy was fast asleep in the back, it had been a long drive through Kansas to get to Illinois and I knew the memories - or lack of - still haunted him. I made sure we cut through Lawrence just so I could see that life really does go on. Hell, I needed a little faith. 

I cut the Impala's engine and slipped out of the car, trying not to wake Sam up. I grabbed the bags from the trunk and checked in. It was the usual BS, assumptions that we were lovers and sarcastic comments when they thought I was out of ear shot. I'd heard it all before so I let them get on with it. I dumped the bags in the room and went to wake up Sammy. 

"Come on man we're here." I gave him a gentle shove and he was up.

"What? Where are we?" He rubbed his eyes sleepily and I tried not to let the thought of him as a kid in the early hours of the morning, sleepily asking when Dad was coming home. I shook my head and remembered my surroundings.

"Pontiac, Illinois. We're about 100 miles outside of Chicago. We're meeting Cas in the morning but for now man you need to rest come on"

Sam, still half asleep, followed me to the motel room and immediately opened his laptop and started working. 

"You can't be serious dude we just drove like twelve hours take a break"

"Yeah and I slept for most of them come on Dean the sooner we figure out what Metatron's up to the sooner we can gank the son of a bitch and put the angels back where they belong"

I rolled my eyes and got into one of the beds. The scratchy sheets and flat pillows were surprisingly comforting after half a day driving. I knew I wouldn't get through to him. It was 10pm and there was still a buzz of activity outside which made it easier to fall asleep. 

There she stood   
In the street  
Smiling from her head to her feet

My phone started ringing and I could hear Sam sniggering from the corner of the room.

"Shut it bitch" I mumbled. I had no idea how long I'd been out but I didn't really care. I checked caller ID and picked up. "Hey Cas"

"Hello Dean" I smiled at the sound of his voice, it had been far too long

"What's up buddy?"  
"I'm at the bunker"

My heart stopped. I put him on speaker phone and motioned for Sam to come over.

"What is it?" He was frowning, knowing I usually liked to talk to Cas by myself there had to be something wrong and Sammy knew it. 

"Why are you at the bunker Cas we just drove like half a day to meet you in Illinois." I was confused but I couldn't hide my anger

"Lisa."

Sam instantly picked up the phone when he heard the word. 

"I'm going out" With that I grabbed my jacket and the car keys and drove. I stopped at the nearest open gas station for beer and menthols. I dumped the beer in the passenger seat, pulled one cigarette out of the packet and stuffed the rest into my jacket. I got back in the car and smoked as I drove. Why would Lisa being back mean Cas had to go to the bunker? How was Lisa back? He'd erased her memories, hers and Ben's. Shit..Ben. I'd been so worried about Cas and Lisa coming face to face that I'd forgotten all about him. I turned up the stereo and let the sounds of ACDC fill the car so I wouldn't have to think quite as much about what the hell I was supposed to do now. 

All right now baby it's-

I answered without checking who it was.

"This is Dean."

"Dean it's Sam, where are you?"

"Driving back. I went to grab some beers what's up?"

"Well according to Cas Lis-" He paused and I could hear him sighing, "Look just come back, now and we can talk about this I'm not doing it over the ph-"

I hung up and threw my cell into the back of the car. I wanted to drive straight back to Kansas and demand an explanation but I knew I couldn't just leave Sammy like that. 

*half an hour later*

"So what's going on Cas?"

"Dean it's very complex."

"It always is with you! Nothing's ever easy"  
"Dean come on calm down...give the guy a break" I know Sammy meant well but I wasn't in the mood for calming down.

"She remembers everything. In the fall the memory wipe must have..I don't know..altered itself somewhat. " Even Cas sounded unsure but I could tell he was desperate to provide answers. 

"What if this is something to do with Metatron? You know he tried to get Gadreel to drive a wedge between us" Sam said, scrabbling for any kind of answer. "It would make sense that he'd try and get you back to Lis"

"Oh for fu-"

"No Dean." Castiel cut me off before I could flip out. "Sam has a point Metatron would do anything to separate you and your brother."

"Okay so what now?" I was surprised to hear those words leave Sam's mouth

"Come back to Kansas tomorrow. We can talk about this." And with that Cas hung up and left me and Sammy sat in the motel in darkness. 

Without another word we packed up our things, got into the car and started driving back home. 

*an hour later*

Sam had decided to drive seeing as I was in no fit state to do so. I sat in the passenger seat, drumming my hands on the dashboard in time to Zepplin. Despite my die hard rule of driver picks the music shot gun shuts his cake hole, Sam had let me pick the music. He knew that a little rock was going to make me feel slightly more at ease during the long journey back to Kansas. 

"I'm letting you have the music Dean can you cut out the tapping?" Sammy grumbled and even though it was just force of habit I stopped, feeling guilty all of a sudden. He could tell he'd upset me. "Sorry man I just...I don't know" We were both at a loss for words, this whole situation didn't feel real.

"I wish Cas had his wings" I only realised I'd said it aloud when Sam started sniggering to himself. I could feel myself blushing. I know Sammy thought there was more to this 'profound bond' than Cas and I let on. 

"I bet you do" He looked over at me and smirked. I let him off, knowing my little brother would do anything to lighten the mood. 

"Shut it" I replied but my heart wasn't in it. It had been a running joke between the two us for over 5 years now and I had continually let shit slide when it came to me and Cas. I could see where he was coming from. I got butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him, I'd ache every time he wasn't around me and when I knew he was in danger I was filled with the urge to kill every angel, demon or other supernatural son of a bitch that stood in my way. 

"Come on dude, kidding." Sam said by way of an apology but underneath his words there was a hint of hesitation. He just wanted to see his big brother happy. 

I let myself think about Cas for a while; his wide blue eyes, his confused frown when I quoted Star Wars, his half smile when he saw me again after weeks away. The way he- I stopped myself and forced myself to remember why it was that we were driving across two states to see him. It wasn't because of some imaginary relationship or our profound bond crap; it was because Lisa was back. And she remembered me. I groaned and slouched down in the seat, all at once wishing I could just have gone on daydreaming about that doe eyed angel. 

"Turn the music up" I muttered at Sam and he obliged. I decided all I could do now was try and sleep until we got back. Try and sleep and dream about C-Lisa. I was supposed to be dreaming about Lisa...wasn't I?


	2. Cas

Lisa was pacing around the Men of Letters office, the main hub of the bunker, flicking through the books that Sam had left lying around for when they returned. I watched her from my seat in the corner of the room. She and I had barely spoken since I found her hitchhiking through Lawrence, obviously trying to find her way back to Dean. I knew I should be delighted for him. I saw the pain in his eyes when I took away her memories. I can't imagine what that must have been like for Dean. I thought back to my own memory loss, my days as Emmanuel, however brief they were. Dean's tear filled eyes as he looked upon me, willing me to remember, still haunt me even after all these years. I had just wanted to make the pain stop, he didn't want to hurt Lisa anymore so I did as he asked. I was relieved to have found her, to give him a second chance. But he knew as well as I did that there could be no future for the two of them. He was a hunter, trying to fix heaven, and that was no life for anyone. 

"Cas?" My thoughts were interrupted as the door of the bunker opened and Sam and Dean appeared. 

"Dean" I nodded as we made eye contact. 

"Where is she?" Sam came running down the stairs towards where I was sat.

"Over here!" Lisa beamed and ran to hug Sam. Dean was still nowhere to be seen. "It's so good to see you." 

"You too, what happened?" Sam wasted no time getting Lisa to sit down and fill him in. 

"Where's Dean?" She asked, frowning and looking around for him. "I saw him in the doorway when you came in"  
"Right here" Right on cue Dean appeared at the foot of the staircase. He walked towards her slowly, briefly glancing up to look at me and quickly averting his eyes again so he could look at Lisa. I sighed and tried to fight the feeling that it should have been me he was looking at like that. 

Sam obviously got the hint that the two of them wanted and needed to be alone so he came to join me. 

"They're going to have a lot to catch up on Cas...it's been 3 years." Sam patted my shoulder sympathetically. "Come on, let's grab a beer."

I followed the younger brother out of the bunker and towards the Impala. Dean glanced up for only a moment to smile at Sam, behaving as though I wasn't there. I ignored him and decided to focus on spending some time with Sam. He and I had been increasingly distant the closer I got to Dean and I felt guilty for that. Sam was a wonderful man and an excellent hunter, Dean just had something special. 

We drove until we found a bar just off the highway. I threw my trench-coat onto the back seat which earned me a worried glance from Sam. I pretended I hadn't seen it and followed him inside. 

Once we'd ordered the questions began. 

"So how did Lisa end up in Kansas? It's a long way from Indiana." I knew the most confusing part was going to be how Lisa ended up eleven hours away from home without an explanation or, more importantly, Ben. 

"She told me she hitchhiked from Cicero to Lawrence. I was driving through on my way to meet you in Chicago and I recognised her instantly. I stopped and she knew who I was. I picked her up and drove her to Lebanon and then got in touch with you. I must admit I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do exactly." I took a sip of beer, I needed something to clear my head. Since my grace wasn't mine I was closer to human than angel.

"Huh...did she say anything about..about getting her memories back?" 

"Sam..something happened, back in Indiana." My words almost became lodged in my throat. 

"What? Cas what is it?" Sam leant forwards and looked long and hard at me. "Is everything okay?"

"Ben was involved in an accident. Angels went looking for Dean. He'd disappeared off the grid and Gadreel, having been inside your head, tipped them off. He told them Dean had a girlfriend once in Indiana and she might know where he was, if only they could get to her memories. So they threatened to kill Ben if she didn't hand over information and..." I couldn't go on. My eyes were becoming damp and I was fighting furiously against tears. I had never shed one in all my years as an angel. I didn't even believe it was possible. 

"Cas...what happened to Ben?" Sam 's voice was a low, deep growl now. He wasn't impatient or angry, just scared. I could tell, I'd heard that tone from Dean so many times before. 

"Metatron had him killed Sam I'm sorry." I looked away, unable to face the horror in Sam's expression. I chugged at my beer and waited for him to say something, anything. 

"But...he was just a kid." Sam slammed his bottle down on the bar.

"Yes. Dean's kid." I thought I had whispered it but I heard Sam cough.

"Excuse me? Lisa told Dean Ben wasn't his I..."

"It's very complex. She didn't want to force Dean into staying for Ben. He cannot know Sam." It was imperative that Dean not find out this way that Ben had been his son all along. 

"Okay. Not a word I promise." I knew Sam meant it. Dean's feelings came before the truth. Always. 

"I'm sorry I should have told you. I persuaded Lisa not to tell him either. She's telling him Ben's gone to live with his Dad and she'll follow in a few days or so to collect him." My voice wavered. 

"Cas come on it's okay man look, Dean will be okay. He's always okay." Hearing Sam say that filled me with such sadness. Yes he was always 'okay' he had to be, or pretend to be, he didn't have time for 'chick flick moments' as he constantly reminded us. It killed me to know he had all this hurt and pain bottled up inside him that I couldn't do anything about. 

*two hours later*

Sam and I had decided to make a night of things at the bar. We were enjoying each other's company and we had no idea what we'd be walking in on if we returned now. I'd had a few beers and thought I'd become used to the alcohol, I felt fine, at least that was until I stood up to get another round. Sam laughed and it was so reassuring to hear the laugh of a Winchester. 

"So Cas.." Sam began when I returned with two more drinks, "why d'you leave the coat in the car? I've never seen you go anywhere without that thing."

I sighed, the truth was incredibly painful to me and I was worried Sam would laugh or tell Dean and he might not trust me anymore if he knew how he made me feel. I decided to bite the bullet - a silly human expression I never really understood but I heard Dean say it a lot - and tell him. 

"Dean carried that coat halfway across the country after I sacrificed myself to make up for betraying you by working with Crowley." I took a deep breath. "That coat just reminds me of everything Dean and I went through in purgatory and I just can't think about it right now. Not with Lisa back in his life, it isn't right for me to feel that way."

"Cas...You really like Dean don't you?" There was no hint of smugness or laughter in Sam's voice, he was speaking sincerely. 

"Yes." Was all I could manage in response. 

"You know I think he likes you too Cas. All this about you two having a profound bond. All the stolen glances when you think the other isn't looking." He paused, realising what he was saying. "Obviously this is just what I think I don't want to convince you he likes you and then have it not be true but what I will say is please don't give up on him. Not yet at least." Sam smiled and rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you Sam." I smiled then, for the first time in a long time. It was nice to feel like I had a friend in the middle of all this. Usually I'd have Dean but he wasn't exactly the first person I'd go to for advice at the moment. I appreciated having a brother around to tell me what to do. 

"Any time Cas...come on, let's head back. Dean's going to need us sooner or later."

With a heavy heart I got up from the table and followed Sam to the Impala, feeling unafraid for the first time in years. 

Sam and I barely spoke on the drive back to the bunker. There was a knowing silence between us; he understood my envy towards Lisa and also my anger at how quickly Dean seemed to forget about us now that she was back in his life. I knew he didn't want to think about Ben, it was as if he thought he was going to be the one to have to tell Dean. I must admit I couldn't see Lisa having the strength to talk about it, the wound was still too sore. 

Sam switched off the engine and we spent a few moments waiting, deciding whether or not we'd come back too soon. Eventually I opened the door and walked through the entrance, Sam not far behind me. 

"Dean" He called, taking the stairs two at a time. There was no reply. "Dean?" He called again, slightly more worry in his voice this time. 

I started pacing the main floor and noticed that Dean's shirt was draped over one of the chairs, as was Lisa's jacket. I sat down in the seat with Dean's shirt on the back and sighed, wondering what it was that I was feeling. I still wasn't completely familiar with human emotions and several took me by surprise. 

"DEAN!" Sam was yelling now but there was still no reply. "Cas any luck?" He walked over to my chair and rested his hand on my shoulder when he noticed I was holding the now tear stained shirt. "Oh man..." He whispered and took off in the direction of the basement, still calling out for his brother. I remained where I was, clutching the shirt the way I had watched him do with my trench coat for all those months. The pain inside me was unlike anything I had experienced and I tried desperately to will it away but I was unable to forget the way it made me feel. 

"Dude what the hell?!" The ever recognisable sound of Dean when he's angry filled the bunker, even from the cellar through two heavy wooden doors I could hear him yell. I sighed and got to my feet, ready to leave and never come back. That was when Sam returned, holding a very dishevelled looking Dean by the scruff of his neck. "Come on man let go." Dean wriggled in his grip but failed miserably. "Seriously Sammy get OFF." Sam dropped Dean and the sudden release of his grip took Dean by surprise and he momentarily lost his footing. 

"Cas? Where you going?" Sam asked as I reached the top of the stairwell. I looked down at his confused expression and wavered but then I saw Dean fixing his hair and straightening his shirt and the feeling washed over me all over again. I couldn't stay, not even for Sam, so I shook my head and let myself out. 

I took several big greedy gulps of the fresh winter air, trying to do what humans do to make themselves feel better. Nothing seemed to work. I turned away from the bunker and found the car I had travelled here in. I got in and sat in the driver's seat, drumming my hands on the steering wheel and thinking about where I could go next. I'd do what Sam does and scour the local papers for anything that could be a lead, I'd find Metatron and see to it that I killed him myself. I'd find a way to kill Abbadon and open Heaven for business again. I would take care of Crowley and-

"Cas? CAS!" My thoughts were interrupted when Dean came out of the bunker shouting. I immediately opened the door of the Toyota and stood outside before realising that I had done it automatically. I hear Dean call and I go to him, no matter what. I started to regret my nature when I saw him round the corner and make his way towards me. His hair was spiked back to normal and he'd put his jacket back on to protect himself from the wind. "You okay man?"

"I'm fine Dean." I replied, not moving from where I was even though he wasn't moving any closer. "How's Lisa?"

"She's great actually." He smirked. There was that feeling again. 

"Did she talk to you about Ben?" I knew I shouldn't have said it. The moment the words were out of my mouth I knew this couldn't possibly end well for anyone. 

"No..." He frowned. "Why, should she have?" 

"It's nothing I'm sure." I said, too quickly.

"Cas don't bullshit me man I know when you're lying. You're an angel." He almost spat the word at me. "Tell me the truth."

I knew at that moment I didn't have a choice. I had to tell Dean that Ben had died, and that he was, undeniably, his son. I knew I had to but I also knew what it would mean for him. Another broken heart, another person he was supposed to protect was dead. He would carry all of the blame and I didn't know if he could take any more guilt. He had lost so much already; John, Mary, Bobby, Ellen, Jo...one more loss would break him. I wanted to heal his wounds but there were too many of them. Dean Winchester was almost entirely held together with duct tape and whiskey and there was only so much longer it could stay in place. I took a deep breath and several steps towards him. 

"Ben was in an accident." It was almost a whisper but Dean heard. All at once he came towards me and placed his hands on my shoulders, looked directly into my eyes, begging me to continue. "Metatron used Lisa to get to you...she refused to betray you and his servants killed Ben." I looked away, I couldn't bear to watch his beautiful green eyes so full of hurt and guilt. "I'm sorry Dean." 

His hands dropped to his sides and his knees buckled. I dropped to the ground without hesitation, fighting desperately to raise him as the sobs wracked his body. He buried his face in his hands and began to tremble. I knew I shouldn't have told him. It was me that had done this to him and I had no idea how to fix it. 

"God damn it Cas HE WAS A FUCKING KID." He started screaming, his entire body trembling as he fought to control the tears. "He didn't deserve to die like that." 

"Lisa didn't want to tell you what with him being yo-" I stopped myself, unfortunately a little too late. He had heard.

"M..mine? He's my k...kid?" He stammered, forcing himself to speak. "But..." He trailed off, giving in to the pain. 

"I'm so sorry..I'm so sorry" I kept saying over and over again, almost certain now that he wasn't listening. He was screaming out, not even words just roaring. As if on cue the rain started to fall, a few drops here and there and then a downpour. The sounds of the rain hitting the trees and the tin roof of the car drowning out his anguished cries. I was beside him on the ground, holding him and willing his pain away. 

"Dean? Cas?" Sam appeared from nowhere and the second he saw the two of us he ran over. "Cas what did you do?" He glared at me and looked down at the crumpled form of Dean beneath him. 

"I told him...I told him everything I'm so sorry." I got to my feet.

"You bastard." He spat. "You have no idea what you've done." Sam didn't even look at me. He started to take care of his big brother and I took that as my cue to leave. I got in the car, turned the key and drove away. I had no idea where I was going to go, probably just drive until I ran out of road. What else was there left for me here? Dean was broken, fighting his guilt and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. Sam may now hate me but honestly the hate he may feel does not rival the self loathing I'm currently experiencing. It was all my fault and I deserve to feel this way.


	3. Dean

I had no idea what time it was when I woke up. I figured Sam and Lisa had just let me sleep until I recovered from last night's episode. I had shot up in a cold sweat, the blankets strewn across the stone floor and several empty whisky bottles smashed in various corners of the room. I didn't want to wake up. I wish I didn't have to face Sammy or Lisa or the guilt of letting Ben down. He was my responsibility. He was my son for Christ sake. What sort of father was I? About as good as my own father I thought to myself. But even he wouldn't let his own son die. I got out of bed and rummaged around in my duffel bag for more whiskey, picked up my leather jacket and took the menthols out of the packet before shoving on my boots and leaving the bunker. Luckily I didn't pass Sam or Lisa on my way out. She was sleeping the room that had been meant for Cas and Sammy was probably at the library looking for ways to free up heaven. I shivered as the winter wind hit me. It was still dark outside, I checked the time on my phone and it was only 3am. I decided to make a day of it and go for a drive. I struggled to light my cigarette and ended up hurling the half empty bottle of Red Label Johnnie Walker that I'd pulled out of my duffel at the wall of the bunker. My hands were trembling. The mark of Cain on my arm burned more than it ever had. I clenched my fists and fished around in my pocket for baby's keys. 

*three hours later* 

I hit the highway into Lawrence as the sun was coming up. It was a beautiful sight; the way the light hit the trees and the sounds of the birds and dull hum of conversation as people set out for work. For the first time since Dad gave me the Impala I had driven in complete silence so I could hear the bubbling sound of the Kansas river. I used to walk along it as a kid before we started travelling across the country getting into all kinds of crap. Even then, when we used to come back I used to take Sammy and teach him how to fish. I would have done the same with Ben but...That was when I remembered. The pain hit me like a knife to the chest and I almost buckled. I shook my head and put on the radio, letting the sound of Led Zeppelin fill the car. 

See my baby, tell her, Tell her hurry home   
Had no lovin', since my baby been gone   
See my baby, Tell hurry on home   
I ain't had, Lord, my right mind, Since my rider's been gone

I pulled out another menthol and smoked it as I was driving along the river. I had almost convinced myself that it was a perfect day; the sun shining, driving my baby listening to Zeppelin and smoking. But it wasn't, it was so far from a perfect day. I should have had Lisa in the front seat and Ben in the back singing along with me. I should have been taking them to the river, teaching Ben how to fish as Lisa sat sunbathing by the shade of a tree. Sammy should have been coming to meet us with whoever he had settled down with. God knows that boy deserves a little happiness. In a way I was just glad it wasn't him who had lost anybody. I was the one that deserved this for putting them in danger. I brought all of this upon myself, I caused Lisa the agony of losing her son...our son. 

Seeing as my driving was going to get dangerous if the anger inside me continued to build, I pulled off at a diner that I had eaten in many times as a kid. My usual seat in the booth by the corner was free so I took it and ordered a coffee and bacon and pancakes. Most people don't feel like eating when they're angry or stressed or upset but I tend to need food and caffeine otherwise I fall apart. Hell, if there had been bars open this time of the morning I'd have been sat in one of them right now plying myself with Jack Daniels.

 

"Dean? Well I'll be damned, Dean Winchester it is you!" I turned around to see a relatively old, about six foot red neck with a white beard and almost no hair stumbling through the diner towards me. I didn't recognise him at all. It had been years since I'd stopped in Lawrence, sure I'd been in Kansas but underground and away from the public eye. Only Cas, Crowley, Charlie and now Lisa knew where we were located. 

"Sorry do I know you?" I frowned but didn't say a word when the old guy made himself comfortable in the seat opposite me. 

"You're John's boy. We used to go drinking together back when you lived in Lawrence. I saw him a few years back, recognised you from the photo in his wallet." The man seemed nice enough so I let him keep talking. "I'm Max by the way." He beamed.

"Nice to meet you, want a coffee or.."

"No I can't stay I have work I just thought I'd ask how your Dad was. I haven't seen him since back in '06." He looked directly at me and smiled, I shuffled my feet.

"He passed away in hospital eight years ago." I said bluntly. I was completely over that. His death was one that didn't haunt me. "Sorry you had to find out like this."

"Oh man...we were always so close your pap and me." He started shaking his head. "Everything he went through with Mary and-"

"I know you mean well and you knew Dad but I'd rather not think about what happened. Thanks." I knew I was being rude but I wanted out of the conversation. 

"Sure...sorry to hear about your loss Dean." He stood up and shuffled away. When he was out of view I grabbed my keys, shoved $20 on the bar and made my way back to the car without having eaten a thing. 

I decided to walk up the river and find my spot by the tree where mine and Sammy's initials were carved. I sat for a while, humming Smoke on the Water and sipping the beers I'd pulled from the trunk of the car. I knew the peace and quiet couldn't last forever. My phone started ringing after I'd been by the river for about three quarters of an hour. It was Sammy so I picked up.

"Dean where are you?" He sounded genuinely concerned. Usually he knew full well that I could take care of myself but after last night he was worried that I couldn't be trusted. 

"I'm in Lawrence."   
"Dude you're three hours away. You need to come back."   
"Why?"   
"Because Lisa's asking for you. You're making her deal with this on her own you selfish dick." Sam spat. I knew he was right but I needed to be on my own. I was preparing myself for nightfall. Obviously I couldn't tell Sam that.  
"I'll be back tomorrow. I'm staying in town tonight. I've got some things I need to take care of." Not entirely a fabrication.  
"Don't do anything stupid." And with that Sam hung up. 

I groaned and got to my feet. It was around 10am by this point and I wanted to check into a motel so that I could sleep before tonight. I had to drive past the old house and the fact that there was a new family living there now made me happy. It had been rebuilt from the ground up. I noticed the kids we'd saved all those years ago sat outside on the porch with their Mum and what looked like her boyfriend. I smiled and realised some people do get happy endings. That house deserved a happy family. I smiled and drove another couple of miles until I reached a motel I recognised. We'd spent time in it when we used to come back to Lawrence with Bobby to see old friends. I sighed, realising this was the first time I'd spent a night in a motel on my own since 1999. 

The sheets were scratchy and uncomfortable and the mini fridge was filled with crappy over priced whiskey but it was somewhere other than the bunker. I put my phone and keys on the side, locked the door and stripped down to my boxers before slipping under the covers. I hoped to have a night of uninterrupted sleep, a sleep without nightmares or guilt or pain. I buried my head in the pillow and within minutes was out like a light.

_Sam was sat next to me shouting something down the phone to Cas about needing help. I had my foot slammed down on the accelerator, driving like a bat out of hell to the hospital. Ben was in the back, his lifeless body draped over Lisa. "Cas we need you to get here. We're...Dean where are we?" "Pontiac." I yelled back, having to almost scream over the sound of Lisa's sobs. "Sit tight" I kept saying "We'll be there soon." "Did you get that Cas...yep...okay man right hurry up. Dean he's going to be about an hour." Sam turned to the back seat to check on the others. "THAT'S TOO LONG FUCKING HELL CAS." I spun off the highway and into the parking lot of the emergency department. Sam opened the door before I'd completely stopped. He grabbed Ben and cradled him in his arms. With Lisa running behind, he made his way into the building. We would very rarely resort to hospitals but our angel was AWOL again. I found a parking space and called him again. "Cas I need an ETA." There was a moment of silence. "I'm coming as fast as I can Dean. How's the boy?" I knew Castiel cared, and I knew he was doing everything he could but my panic was causing me to lash out at him. "Bleeding out. He's not gonna make it Cas. Gadreel got him good...help us please help us." I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. "I'll be there soon...hold on Dean..please hold on." I put the phone down and slammed my fists into the steering wheel over and over again, until they were cracked and bleeding. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't go into that hospital. I knew Lisa needed me but she had Sammy and he'd know what to do better than me. It wasn't worth me going in and panicking and getting angry, it would scare everyone and not actually solve anything. My phone started ringing again and without thinking I answered. "Cas buddy you here?" "Er Dean it's Sam...get inside." That was all he said before hanging up. I didn't waste any time getting out of the car and racing into the emergency room. "Where's the boy?" silence... " GOD DAMMIT WHERE'S THE KID?!" I was screaming now and receiving several scared looks. "He's in that room over there..." An elderly receptionist pointed to the far side of the wing. I nodded thank you and ran over. I pushed the door open and my knees gave out beneath me. Sam and Lisa were covered in blood...Ben's blood. My knees buckled. He was as white as the sheet covering him. "Sam what's going on?" He was holding Lisa, she wasn't even crying she just had her face buried in his chest. "Sammy.." I took a couple more steps towards Ben...not wanting to look but forcing myself to. His tiny soft face was cut and bruised, he was laying perfectly still under the sheet. I knew he was dead but I didn't want to believe it. "No..no no NO NO." I started roaring as I picked him up to hold him close. He was freezing against my bare arms but I didn't care. "Sam..Dean?" I span around, Ben still clutched to my chest and saw Cas standing in the doorway. He'd been quicker than I'd expected. "What's wrong?" I gently placed Ben back on the bed and advanced towards him. "Dean please stop." Sam begged but I was a man possessed. "YOU HALO WEARING FEATHERY BASTARD!" I screamed and punched him square in the jaw. Yeah I mean it hurt me a lot more than it hurt him but it was so satisfying to punch him. "YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HIM." Another punch, to the nose this time. Cas flinched and I knew I would get to him soon enough. "Dean stop...Dean I tried.. DEAN!"_

I sat bolt upright in bed, sweating and screaming out. I saw a figure beside me, stroking my back gently. 

"Dean it's okay, I've got you." Cas whispered softly, taking a seat on the bed. 

"What..how..how did you know I was here?" I panted, still catching my breath. 

"I guessed." He replied.

"I'm surprised you came at all...I was a real douche bag last night." I muttered.

"Shut up..you were...are..still grieving. I'm here because I had a feeling you needed me. I left a few hours ago. Driving in the dark was not an enjoyable experience." He smiled. I looked out of the windows to see that night really had fallen. The flickering neon lights of the bedside alarm clock notified me that it was 10pm. I had been out for fucking hours. I groaned and sat up. 

"Yeah well...I get my actions but not directed towards you Cas. Anyone but you." I stood up and as he followed I pulled him in to a hug. He seemed startled to begin with but he soon wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

"I will always be here for you Dean, no matter how many times you push me away." He whispered in my ear. I pulled my face back from his shoulder our lips were just inches away from each other. I could feel my heart racing but I knew what I wanted to do. I knew it was wrong but it didn't stop me from wanting it. 

I leant in and oh so gently pressed a kiss against his lips. Immediately Castiel came to life, kissing me back with full force, knocking me off balance and I landed in a heap on the bed, with him on top of me, our lips still firmly locked. It felt like he'd been waiting for this since the day we met. I couldn't believe the intensity, the passion with which he kissed me. I didn't ever want this to stop. I spun him over so that I was on top of him, returning ever kiss then placing my lips delicately over his neck.

"Mmm" Muttered Cas which only spurred me on to kiss him deeper. 

Everything seemed perfect until I remembered why I was sleeping in the motel, what had happened with Ben and Lisa... I stopped kissing him and sat up. I knew he was put out but he didn't argue. Cas always understood and I loved that about him. I felt horrible for getting up to shower and just leaving him sat there but I had things that needed to be done. 

"I shouldn't have...I'm truly sorry.." Cas got to his feet and put his trench coat back on. He shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. 

"No Cas honestly...man I'm sorry" I let go of the bathroom door handle and went to walk towards him but he held up his hand.

"Stop it. I know what you're thinking. I'm going to go." He whispered.

Without a goodbye or another glance, he let himself out, leaving me standing in a crappy, empty motel room wondering what the hell I was going to do now. Because I had just made my life very very complicated.


	4. Cas

I realised the moment I left the motel that I couldn't leave him in there like that, falling apart at the seams and having to deal with it completely alone. He wouldn't stand another heartbreak, another loss. But as I started towards the car I realised what it was that was really bothering me. Last night Dean had been in bed with Lisa...but today he was more than happily kissing me. I had no idea what all this meant. God, how did humans deal with the drama? I wanted to walk back in and take his face gently in my hands and kiss him until he stopped hurting. But I knew he couldn't ever stop hating himself, no matter what I did the guilt he felt was never going to stop eating away at him. I found myself hovering in the car park between the door and the car. 

Eventually my desire for him won out over my reason and I knocked on the door. Dean opened it almost too quickly. Like he'd expected me to come back. He pulled me inside, shut the door and slammed me against it. Before I could really process what was going on my shirt was on the floor and his lips were all over my neck. I didn't know how to respond. This is what I'd come back for...isn't it? I couldn't get the image of him with Lisa out of my head. He was in love with her, she was back and he could be happy now. They could start a family, move far away. Sam and I could carry on hunting and he'd finally be out of the life. 

"Cas..." Dean mumbled into my neck as he began slowly biting at the skin. 

I groaned and my instincts, if that's what they were, took over. I pushed him to the bed, taking control of him, letting my hands explore every inch of his waiting skin. I kissed him, the way I'd dreamt of kissing him since the day I pulled him from hell. I'd known this man was special, I'd known right from the start that I wanted to be more than just an angel, I wanted to be his angel. 

"Mmm Cas..." Dean's moans increased as I removed his jeans and stroked softly at his boxers. I clicked my fingers and my clothes were off as well. Both of us now only covered by thin pieces of fabric as we moved forcefully against each other. Dean was the sort of person who usually wanted to be in control of the situations he was in, he liked to feel safe in the knowledge that he was the one able to help people and make them feel better but with the events of the past twenty four hours I knew he just needed to feel safe in someone else's arms, to have someone take control of him so he didn't have to think. 

"You okay?" I asked as I slowly rolled his boxers off. 

"Yeah..I'm fine just carry on." He replied, his voice merely a whisper. 

Within seconds we were both completely naked, our bodies pressed together, both of us needing the other's touch. I had no idea what to do after this point. I knew we both had to be naked but...I was scared of touching him in case he didn't like it, I was worried of hurting him and he clearly sensed my uncertainty because he gently took me in his hand and used the other to pull me down to kiss him. He began stroking my length gently at first before moving his hand faster and faster. I thrusted into his grip. 

"Dean...Dea.." I could hardly form the words to tell him how he was making me feel. 

"Cas...I want you..please" He groaned as I took his dick in my hand and started stroking it softly, teasing him. "Dammit Cas fuck me." I was momentarily surprised by his tone but I wanted to now and I had wanted to for almost six years. 

"Of course...of course Dean." I whispered into his ear as I let go of him. 

He took my hand and gently sucked on two of my fingers, watching me intently with his big green eyes as he did so. 

"Make me feel good" He whispered and I nodded. I slid my fingers from between his lips and moved them to his entrance. I was less afraid of hurting him now I knew what he wanted. I pushed one finger gently inside him and he groaned, sliding himself down onto my finger. I stopped moving and moved up to meet his gaze.

"No...let me do the work." He nodded and lay his head back on the pillow. 

I carried on gently easing my finger inside of him, it wasn't as tight as I'd expected which made me think he'd probably done this before. I eased another in and moved them inside him, concentrating on his noises and facial expressions more than what I was actually doing. 

"Cas..need you..please." He stammered and I was all too happy to oblige. 

He guided me gently into him and as I began moving myself into him he pulled me down so that we could kiss as I screwed him. Both of us were hot, sweaty, I thrusted into him, pushing him harder and harder into the bed until he was screaming. I kissed him to shut him up but he tore away and through his orgasm he started to talk.

"Cas...I .. I lo-..I need you" 

I finished, kissed him as I did so, then rolled off to lay on the scratchy motel sheets beside him. He was panting and laying flat on his back staring at the ceiling, running his hand through his hair. I sat up and clicked my fingers so that I was fully clothed. I started walking towards the door, leaving him there. 

"Where are you going?" He started putting on his jeans and threw his t-shirt on as he got to his feet. 

"Back to see Sam. I've been gone for hours. He doesn't know where I am. He's worried about you let's go." I turned away from him. Fighting the urge to tell him what he'd done to upset me. He knew he had, it was written all over his stupid freckled face. I don't know why I asked him to come with me, probably because in that moment Sam's needs came first. He was back in Lebanon with Lisa all on his own and if the hours without Dean so far were anything to go by the poor guy would be struggling for things to say. 

"Seriously Cas you're gonna fuck a guy and bail, just like that?" He sat up, irritated but I no longer cared. 

"We have to get back. For once put your brother's needs first." I turned on my heels and froze. I should not have said that.

"What did you just say." Dean spat, his tone icy. I faced him, ready to apologise and was greeted with a punch to the jaw. He winced in pain but I could tell the anger was still rising in him.

"Dean I-" 

"HOW DARE YOU! I think about nothing but Sammy's needs. He always comes first, there ain't a thing I'd put in front of my brother. You know that better than anyone. I love him." Dean growled, his fists still clenched by his sides.

"Oh you love him do you." I replied before I could stop myself. 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Cas you're acting crazy." His fists uncurled and he took several steps towards me.

"You know all too well what it means Dean. I give everything for you and you do nothing in return. You think about yourself. Now if you meant what you said about Sam you'll follow me back to the bunker." I started towards the door and he remained where he was. "Lisa is there and if you ever loved Ben-"

"Don't you ever say his name." His expression remained the same but there was malice behind his words. I instantly shut up. "You could never understand. Never Cas, not you."

With that he picked up his duffel from the floor and strode out of the motel room and into the front seat of the Impala. I got in beside him, abandoning my Cadillac in the motel parking lot. 

"Cas-" 

"Just drive Dean."


	5. Dean

I couldn't help but focus on what Cas had said to me back in the motel. What did he mean about me loving Sam? I never say I love anyone, it's a sign of weakness, why show love when everyone I care about dies in some bloody way in the end anyway? He didn't even try to talk to me during the drive back, no matter how many times I opened my mouth to say I was sorry the words just wouldn't form. We were left with deafening silence. 

Still without a word exchanged, I parked the car and the two of us walked into the bunker. Sam was sat at a table drinking coffee and doing what looked like research on his laptop.

"Cas...Dean?" He said by way of greeting.

"Where's Lisa?" I asked immediately, ignoring Cas as he tried to start talking to Sammy. 

"In your room, she's getting some sleep. She's worried about you." He frowned as I walked past him and made my way to my bedroom. 

"Sam there's something I need to tell you.." I heard Cas say as he thought I was out of earshot. I rolled my eyes and kept on going. If he wanted to tell Sam about what had happened then fine by me. 

"Lisa?" I called, carefully pushing the door open. She was sat bolt upright on the end of my bed, there was something in her hand. 

"Hey Dean." She smiled, wiping tears from her eyes with her free hand. "You okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine...er..you?" 

"Yeah of course." Her smile was fake, painted on to her face to prevent herself from buckling in front of me. I knew that trick all too well. "Here." She said, handing out the object.

It was a photo of me and Ben on the last birthday I'd spent with him. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took it. 

"I knew he'd want you to have it." Lisa smiled again and for the first time in my life I wish she would show some kind of sadness. It was like she didn't care that our kid was dead. 

"Erm, thanks Lis." I muttered and put the photo into my wallet without another glance. "I'm sorry I left. I needed to go back to Lawrence for a little while I had an argument with Cas, it was-" I stopped myself from going into detail, more to avoid feeling any guilt that would tear me apart than to spare her feelings. "It's not important."

"Well you're back now, and that's all that matters." Lisa leaned over and took my hand, pulling me gently onto the bed beside her. I pressed a kiss to her lips. She tasted like whiskey and tears. I winced and turned my head away. Kissing her was nothing like kissing Cas. His lips were soft and I could still almost taste the popcorn and lager on his breath. I shook my head, I didn't want to think about that fucking angel anymore. But no matter what I did, no matter how much I'd missed Lisa or how much I was hurting now that I knew Ben was gone, Castiel was the only thing on my mind. I hated the way I'd left things with him. 

I realised after some time that Lisa had continued to speak to me and I had completely zoned out. I came crashing back to reality when she shook my shoulder.

"Did you hear anything I just said...Dean?" She moved to kneel in front of me at the foot of the bed and took my hands in hers. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine...sorry just tired." I lied

"Right..okay, well I was just saying maybe you should come back to Indiana for a while, you know, live with me and we can start to get back to normal." 

I immediately snatched my hands away, I have no idea what came over me but I do know I have never lost my temper the way I did then. 

"What the hell are you talking about?" I got to my feet and rounded on her. "I live here, my life is here with Sammy and Cas. I lived here without Ben why the hell should I come running back to you know he's dead. You should have sold me out Lisa. I'm sure as hell Ben didn't think I was worth dying for. And you want to know something else?" She began to cry but I just couldn't stop shouting. "I got over you. I stopped thinking about you altogether. I had to move on with my life and some fucked up crap's been going on around here for months now. I refuse to just abandon it and run away to play house with you. I loved you and I had to let you go. I made my peace with that. In my head you were both already dead. "

I walked towards the door when arms around my waist stopped me. 

"Dean, please. I'm sorry. I know it was selfish I just hate being on my own. I miss him...and you're the only person that can make that pain go away. I love you Dean and I'm sorry you had to forget, I'm sorry I forgot you. I guess it was for our own good, that it would somehow hurt less. But you had to take all of that on your own and I'm sorry. I just can't go back to that house, not without my son." In that moment Lisa broke and I couldn't stand it. I had missed her so much and finally got this woman back. The woman who gave me a shot at leaving the life, she showed me what it would be like to have a normal family. But I couldn't leave Sam, or Cas for that matter, no matter how rocky things were between us. 

"Lisa, babe, look. I can't leave. Not with us so close to ganking Metadouche. I just can't go honestly. But...you are welcome to stay here. There's plenty of food, always something to drink and you are totally safe this time. I promise."

"You promise a lot Dean. I hope this time you mean it." She half smiled, completely without conviction. 

"Hmm." I thought about shouting again and telling her she could just fuck off if she had no faith in me. But I knew that wasn't right. I didn't want her to leave. I never wanted her to leave. And that was when the idea hit me. 

"I mean it Dean I've lost so much.." She took a few steps towards me and ran her hand across my cheek. "I can't ever lose you again."

"Then marry me." I almost couldn't believe it was me saying it. 

"What? Are you.."

"Serious? Absolutely. Marry me." I smiled and took her hand. "I love you Lisa Braeden, will you marry me?" 

"Yes Dean Winchester...yes I will!" She smiled and threw her arms around my neck. I kissed her and breathed in her scent. She smelled like home and I knew I'd made the right decision. Fuck Cas. 

"Look...I'll leave you here to get used to the idea, call your Mom. I'm gonna go talk to Sammy, find out what Cas is up to. I'll be back in a little while." I smiled and, pressing one last kiss to her forehead, left the room.

****

"You have to be kidding me Dean." Sam hadn't taken too kindly to the idea of Lisa and I. "You're going to drag her into the life? Do you have any idea how selfish this is? She loves you, dude she depends on you, you don't get to do this."

"Look I don't expect you to understa-"

"And what about Cas?" Sam said, cutting me off mid sentence. 

"What about him?" I tried to sound nonchalant but Sammy wasn't buying it. That bastard had told him everything.

"You guys slept together Dean. Don't you think that counts for something? You've hurt the poor guy's feelings." He frowned at me. Dad used to look at me like that and I couldn't bear seeing my little brother do it too.

"Sammy come on. I was upset, angry, I needed an outlet so I fucked Cas is that such a big deal?" 

"It may not be to you. But it was...IS to him. Just talk to him, please?"

"Fine." I sighed and realised I had to admit defeat, I had to tell Cas about Lisa. "He has a right to know about me and Lisa." I looked down, unable to meet his eyes.

"Go easy on him. It's going to hurt him and if this breaks him...I swear Dean I'll break your nose. That's a goddamn promise."

****

I found him outside, he was leaning against the Impala, frowning at a cigarette. I smiled when I saw the confused expression on his face. There was still so much about humanity the little guy still didn't know. 

"Cas, can I talk to you for a minute?" I stayed where I was standing, I didn't want to back him into a corner.

"Why is that humans feel the need to pump themselves full of this? It's killing them, life is so precious." I could feel my heart breaking as he spoke. I adored his curiosity, his naivety and above all his love for humanity. He really cared. 

"Please, this is important Cas.."

"Of course Dean."

"Listen buddy...Lisa and I had a talk about where to go from here. She wanted me to move to Indiana, you know, stay with her." The look in his eyes made me wince. He looked furious, but hurt at the same time.

"You can't go." He hesitated, opened his mouth to say something and then clearly thought better of it. "Think of Sam. We have to stop Metatron and you're the only person who can."

I don't know why that hurt me so much...Like I wanted him to want me to stay for some other reason. 

"I'm not going Cas." I took a deep breath. If it hadn't been for Sammy I wouldn't have told him. "But she is staying here...we're going to get married." I had been staring at the ground while I spoke, I never expected what happened next. I looked up and met his eyes, he was smiling. 

"I'm happy for you Dean. I hurt you when I took their memories away. It seems right that she is back in your life. I wish you luck." 

"I..er..Cas?" I couldn't believe what he was saying, I was imagining this right? I mean, I had to be there is just no way Cas would take this news this easy. "Aren't you going to lecture me on why it isn't safe for her here? Tell me I'll only be hurting myself if anything happens to her?"

"No." He said plainly. "She makes you happy. I want you to be happy Dean and Sam does too." 

"Well...okay then. I'm glad you're okay with this...you're right, she makes me so happy." I beamed at him, now at ease around him once more. "Thanks man...I'm gonna go and tell her the good news. I'll catch you later." 

With one last smile at each other I turned my back and walked away, away from what could have been and towards what would be.


	6. Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter this time I'm sorry....just a quick insight into Cas' feelings.   
> I'm finding it easier to write as Dean right now so I'll get back that as soon as possible

As soon as Dean walked away I felt my entire body shut down. I slid against the Impala until I was in a heap on the ground. I put the cigarette to my lips and lit it. If I was going to be human I may as well get used to this. I could feel my grace dwindling, and although I knew it was impossible, I felt like that conversation with Dean had made it burn out inside me just a little bit more. I wanted to know how he could marry her after what happened between us. Maybe he was right and sex meant nothing, that I should just see it as a release. I didn't want to believe that but with him still loving Lisa there wasn't a whole lot I could do. I took a few drags on the menthol and stubbed it out under my boot. This was it. I had lost him, for good this time. The righteous man Dean Winchester was lost. He was in love. Metatron may be a sadistic dictator but he was right about one thing; love really is a human being's greatest weakness. 

I got to my feet and made my way reluctantly inside, hoping to avoid Dean so that I could speak to Sam alone. He and I had spoken about what went on in the motel and he had been really understanding, in a way I hadn't expected him to. I asked him if Dean had ever done anything like that before and he said I should talk to him about it myself. I knew now that there was no way that conversation could ever take place. All this being said, what I'd told Dean hadn't been a lie. I wanted his happiness, I wanted it more than anything. After everything that had happened he did deserve it and I meant every word. I cared too deeply about him to stand in the way of his happiness. 

"Sam...Sam you in here?" I called out, careful not to be too loud in case Dean heard and came instead. 

"I'm in here." Sam called from the library. I went inside and closed the door behind me. 

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I looked down at the stack of books and newspapers in front of him. "If you're busy I'll go it's not important."

"Cas don't be silly man come on, pull up a seat." He smiled at me, but it was one of pity. I remember realising he must have already known. 

"I just spoke to Dean. He told me he plans to marry Lisa.." My voice was barely a whisper, Sam pulled his chair closer to mine and rested a hand on my shoulder. 

"I know. I'm sorry Cas." I knew he meant it.

"Did you tell him it isn't fair? That bringing Lisa into all of this, especially now, is really dangerous?" I started to cry and furiously wiped away the tears. I had to pull myself together. 

"I tried, I tried everything. I'm so sorry there's nothing I can do. He has his heart set on this, he's loved her since the moment we went back to Cicero. I can't stop him from doing this. It's what he wants." Sam frowned and shifted uncomfortably, he really wasn't happy about this but as he had said, there really was nothing to be done. 

"We really have to let him do this don't we?" This time I let the tears fall, there was no point trying to stop them. This hurt too damn much for me to hold it in any longer. I felt as if a part of me was dying. I had never felt like this before. Not even my fall hurt as much as this. 

"Yeah...yeah Cas I guess we do." Sam half smiled and pulled me into a hug. I never ever wanted to let go. I wanted to stay here and hug Sam and feel comfort and safety for the first time since I left heaven. 

****

The water pressure in the bunker showers was amazing. I sat on the floor of the wash room and let the water run over my shoulders, I could feel it hitting my bruised and battered wings and it felt good. I'd started to feel numb and anything was better than that. I now understood why when humans got sad or angry they would take a shower. It really is soothing. I hoped it would make me forget about Dean and this whole ugly mess but it just made me think harder about him. Every time I closed my eyes I could see him, feel his lips on mine, smell the cigarettes and leather on his skin. I wanted to be wrapped up in it, so close it would suffocate me. I wanted to look into his eyes one more time and feel the pounding in my heart, the blood racing through my veins as I fought to gain control of myself. I wanted to kiss him until the world fell away and nothing mattered but his touch and the look in his deep green eyes when he held me. I shook my head and tried to remind myself that that was all a fantasy, and how I felt now didn't matter. He was marrying Lisa. That was the realist. There was nothing I could do about it and I may as well just accept that his happiness and getting to live a normal human life was a lot more important than the breaking heart of a rebellious solider of heaven.


	7. Dean

I woke up the next morning to the sound of the bedroom door closing. I blinked wearily and sat up. Lisa was still peacefully dosing, she looked exhausted. I was going to leave her to it until I saw the table on the other side of the room. There was a fresh pot of coffee, plates piled high with bacon, sausages, hash browns, eggs and toast. That was a surprise, Sammy must have let us sleep in late. I nudged Lisa and woke her up so that we could share the feast my brother had made for us.

"Remind me to thank Sam." She said, through a mouthful of scrambled egg. I nodded and started on the bacon. 

"Sure." Swallowing I instantly felt an ache in the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it came from but it was putting me off my food. "Listen sweetie I'm gonna take my coffee to go, I need a smoke." Half smiling I kissed her forehead and slipped on my jacket. 

I hadn't realised how early it was, the sun was just starting to come up and there was fresh dew on the ground. It could only be six at the latest. I took a deep breath in and opened Baby's door. I lit my cigarette and rolled the window down. I always felt better and more comfortable inside this car. She had carried me miles across the country and never once had she let me down. I rebuilt her, I know her every curve, her every move. The rattle of the radiator, the army man stuffed in the ash tray, the way you have to bang the passenger door to get it to open. She was home. As comfortable as I felt in the bunker, the leather interior of this car made me feel safer than anywhere else. I turned on the radio and settled into my seat and enjoyed the Asia that was playing. It was tempting to go for a drive but I didn't want Lisa to come out looking for me and think I'd abandoned her. 

"Dean?" I jumped out of my skin at the sound of Sam's voice. 

"Dude what the hell don't sneak up on people like that." 

"Sorry, I just ran into Lisa...who bizarrely thanked me for breakfast. Want to explain?"

"Yeah I meant to say thanks man, it was real nice of you to do that for us."

"It would have been...except I didn't."

Sam frowned and then his face fell at the same moment as mine when we realised the only person who could have cooked all that food. Cas.

"I suppose it's Cas you should be thanking." Sam reached through the window and tapped me on the shoulder. "But later, we have work to do."

"You got a lead on Metatron?" I sat up immediately, ready to drive for until I ran out of road to gank the SOB.

"Yeah Gadreel called, said he's in Denver."

"That's like a five hour drive how do we know he'll still be there when we show up? He'll know we're coming." 

"Sounds like he's set up camp Dean. It's worth a shot. We'll leave Lisa here with Cas and take a drive." Sam looked away from me and started to shuffle uncomfortably, he knew I wouldn't be happy with the idea. But even I knew it was the best chance we had. 

"Okay." I sighed and Sam shot up in surprise.

"Er..awesome okay give me five minutes and I'll meet you back here." Sam turned and disappeared inside without waiting for another word. I guess he thought if he hung around any longer I'd change my mind. 

It was worth a shot and I couldn't let Sam down. He'd been Gadreel's personal chew toy for weeks and either this was his chance for forgiveness or Sam could kill the SOB once and for all. I walked to Lisa's room to tell her that we were leaving, she wasn't going to be best pleased but what could I do? 

"Lis? Sam and I are going out I'll text you when we're going be home." I only poked my head around the door, I knew if I went in I'd end up staying. 

"Erm okay. Is everything alright?" 

"Yeah it's fine we just have a job. I'll call if I need you, same to you okay?"

"Sure, I love you Dean." 

In that moment I regretted using the L word. Mum and Sam were the only people I ever said that to and now having told Lisa I knew I had to say it back.

"Love you too." I was as blunt as I could be before backing out of the room to find Sam. What the hell had I been thinking asking her to marry me? Sunday morning breakfasts interrupted by some poor bastards being ripped to shreds by vampires, midnight calls about another development in the angel war or Sam turning up at my door in the early hours to tell me Cas was gone. It didn't bare thinking about so I pushed it from my mind and focused on the job in hand. 

****  
"You ready for this?" Sam asked as I threw our duffels into the trunk.

"Definitely. What makes you think I'm not?"

"The mark Dean..."

"Sammy stop okay? I'm fine I'll be okay I just want to find Metatron."

"Look Dean I want that dick dead as much as you do but you have to take it easy."

"I am taking it easy, I feel fine it's like having Lisa back has made me calm down. The mark isn't affecting me the way it was before. We need the blade to gank the douche and I'm capable of handling it alright?"

Sam nodded but I could tell he was worried about me. He didn't need to be, what I'd said wasn't a lie. Well not a complete lie. The mark wasn't anywhere near as strong as it had been but I didn't think that had anything to do with Lisa being around. 

"Let's just drive and we can talk about you and the mark when we get back. You're right, the main priority here is getting rid of Metatron." Sam smiled and slid into the passenger seat. I knew I had no choice but to tell him the truth when we got home but who knew what the fallout from that conversation would be? 

****

It took us just under five hours to get to Colorado. It was the longest drive of my life, never had I felt so uncomfortable sat next to Sam. He had to know I was lying about Lisa, he was my brother and no one knew me better than him. I got out of the car and pulled my bag from the trunk.

"Which room is he in?" I turned to Sam who looked just as lost as I did.

"Err I think he said 4. It's not exactly like we can go to the office and ask if they've seen an angel."

"Well we'll try 4, if that doesn't work we try every door until we find him."

"That won't be necessary." Gadreel suddenly appeared behind Sam, knocking him almost completely off balance. "We shouldn't speak here it's not safe, let us go inside."

We followed him into a room, both of us trusting him not to kill us. It was as if he could read my mind because he turned to face Sam and said

"We are past the stage of me being a threat. I'm not going to hurt either of you I do genuinely want to help." Gadreel paused and looked at me. "Dean...where is Castiel?" 

I felt the lump in my throat start to form again and I couldn't choke out the words. There was a perfect explanation for why he wasn't with us but for some reason I felt too guilty to speak.

"He's at the bunker. We had a personal situation come up with an old friend. Cas is looking after them until we get back." Sam said for me. "You asked to see us anyway not him."

"You're right I did. I'm just curious. Castiel is still Metatron's most wanted angel, he's a traitor of Heaven and it's unlikely he will be safe on his own."

"Listen you ass hat-"

"Dean don't-"

"No Sam he doesn't get to just summon us here and start telling us we're neglecting Cas. He's safe alright he is capable of taking care of himself we don't have to watch him every second of every day. He's doing his job. You wanted us to talk about Metatron well here we are. So leave him out of it." 

I realised too late that getting on the defensive about Cas was a really bad idea. Gadreel had been in Sam's head and if my brother had always thought that there was something between the two of us Gadreel now did too. 

"Very well Dean. We'll talk about Metatron." Gadreel took a seat on the bed and started to shift uncomfortably. 

"So where is he?" Sam asked before I could open my mouth. It was probably wise that he took the lead on this.

"About a mile from here. He's with a group of other angels, I can't get too close. If he knows I'm here he'll know you are as well." 

"So what now you care about our safety? Or are you only covering your own back?" I spat. I couldn't help it I'd been playing nice since we got here but I was sick of it now. 

"Dean I'm trying to protect both of you and Cas."

"For the last time stop talking about Cas. You helped Metatron and he's in this mess because of that." I could feel the mark burning in my arm.

"Dean please. I want to help. Let me help." Gadreel was almost begging now.

"Come on, let him help." Sam stepped in between us, sensing my desire to kill the angel before me. "He asked us here we need to hear him out."

"Fine. You can hear him out though. I have stuff to do." 

"No you don't," Sam grabbed my arm, "You're staying here and we're doing this. The three of us together. You don't get to go off alone and play the hero. We're all getting pretty tired of that act you're putting on. Now go have a smoke, call Cas and get your ass back in here so we can come up with a plan."


	8. Cas

I returned to the bunker and found a note from Sam letting me know they'd followed a lead to Denver. I sighed and slumped on the chair. It was horrible with them gone, what with Dean's mark getting stronger every day I couldn't help but worry about him. 

"Sam...Dean? Is that you guys?" Lisa must have heard the door shut, now I had to talk to her. 

"No it's me." I got to my feet and brushed my coat down. 

"Cas? Hey." She smiled as she came into view. "The guys are in-"

"Denver. I know I saw the note. How are you?"

"I'm okay." She looked far from it. "Just missing Dean I guess.It must be even harder for you." Lisa frowned and gestured for me to take a seat at the table, I obliged and she did the same.

"What exactly do you mean?" I asked, swallowing the lump in my throat.

"Listen Cas...Since the boys left I've been reading some books by Carver Edlund." I took a deep breath. "Books about you and the boys, what they've been doing. I didn't believe it but I saw the earlier ones with me and Ben and...I assume they're all true."

"Well, yes, but there haven't been any more. They stopped a long time ago." I said firmly. "What made you bring them up?"

"Well, I read about you and Dean. How close you are how you two look at each other. Then I did some research online and found a group of fans. They seem to think there's a lot more going on between you than meets the eye. So I want to ask...is there?" Lisa's expression was one of severe concern. I didn't know what to tell her. Part of me wanted to be honest, confess to the events of the motel but I knew it would drive her away and that would hurt Dean more than any one of us could fix. 

"No." I answered almost too quickly. "There's nothing there. Dean and I share a profound bond. But Sam and I are close too. We are friends. They consider me family."

"Good." Lisa smiled smugly. "Because I'm back now and I love him. We're getting married. I'd hate to think of someone getting in the way."

"I know...he missed you very much."

"Besides Cas...he's not gay. He's never been interested in guys and he never will be. Besides now he only has eyes for me." I nodded in response and swallowed, fighting back the tears.

"You're right. I know. Look, I have to get some sleep. I'll check up on you later." I excused myself and walked away from her. I couldn't bear to be around her anymore. She knew full well I loved him, she had to have been doing that to hurt me. I let a few tears fall and locked myself in my room. 

****

I threw my clothes in the corner of the room and slipped into a t-shirt Dean had left in here when he'd used the room to get away from all of us for a few hours. I crawled under covers and found Sam in my contact list. Calling Dean wasn't a good idea, we hadn't been on good terms when we last spoke and another argument would kill me. 

"Cas?" 

I was so relieved when he answered. 

"Hey Sam." I was on the verge of tears but I tried desperately not to let him hear.

"What's wrong buddy? You got our note right, saying we're in Denver?" Sam sounded worried, I hated doing this to him but I had no one else to depend on. 

"Yeah I did it's not that...listen Sam I-" I started crying loud enough for him to hear.

"Cas? Cas what's happened are you okay?" 

"I...I don't-"

"Wait is that Cas Sam give me the phone." I could hear Dean in the background.

"Sam please don't. I want to talk to you." I spluttered through the sobs.

"Okay okay it's fine give me a moment..."

I could hear muttered 'fuck off's and 'shut up's from the other end of the phone, followed by a slamming door. 

"Cas? Dean's gone out. Now what's wrong?" 

I went on to tell him all about Lisa and what she'd said to me. I wanted to know if I was reading too much into it or if she really was catching on. Sam listened patiently to me explain and eventually I began to calm down.

"So...what do I do Sam I'm here with her until you two get back. What happens now?" I took a deep breath, dreading his response. 

"You're not going to want to hear this Cas but I think you should tell her the truth." I swear in that moment I stopped breathing. 

"Wait...really?" 

"Yes really." Sam became very blunt and insistent all of a sudden. "Think about it, she's using your feelings to hurt you. No matter what he says, when it comes to it he'll choose me and you over Lisa. We're closer to him than her and if she's hurting someone he cares about there's no way he'll defend her. I promise you that Cas." 

I felt reassured by his words. I knew he was right so I decided to bite the bullet and tell her. I thanked Sam for his help and as soon as he hung up I put on my clothes and made my way towards Dean's room. I knocked gently on the door.

"Come in Cas." Lisa said in a chirpy voice from the other side of the door.

"I need to talk to you."

"Can it wait I'm-" She took the phone away from her ear and whispered. "It's Dean."

"No actually it can't wait. Tell him you'll call him back." I needed to put my foot down, if I put this off I'd never have the nerve again.

"Dean sweetie I gotta go okay Cas needs my help with something. I'll call you tomorrow okay? I love you." She hung up and turned to face me. "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk about what you said earlier. Lisa I wasn't totally honest with you."

"Go on..." She frowned at me as I perched on the end of the bed.

"Something happened between Dean and I in the motel after he found out about-"

"Stop." She held up her hand and shook her head. "If something did I don't care. We were barely together but we are now Castiel and nothing you say is going to break us up. I'm not saying this to hurt you I just don't want to lose him again. He went away twice and I can't take a third. Please...let me have this?"

"Okay." I couldn't believe what I was saying. Why was I giving up that easily? I should be fighting for him but I had nothing left, I'd lost all desire to try and win him from her. This shouldn't have to be a competition. "I'm sorry." I stood up as fast as I could and left her sitting there. She'd probably call Dean straight back and tell him what I'd done. Then he'd turn against me and I'd have no chance even being his friend. 

I left the room and just kept walking; up the stairs through the door and out into the cold. I had no idea where I was going to go or what was going to happen to me. I didn't care any more. This had all gone so horribly wrong.


	9. Dean

The moment Sam told me to go call Cas outside I didn't. I couldn't cope with hearing his voice and knowing I'd left him there with Lisa. I'd acted selfishly and I hated myself - once again - for that. But when I returned and found Sam talking to him I was desperate to get a word in. Sam's face was full of concern and I felt another wave of guilt. 

"Let me talk to him."

"Dean he doesn't want to just go okay? You're not helping." Sam barely sounded like himself. 

"Fuck off Sammy give me the god damn phone." 

"Shut up Dean he's upset just go."

"Fine." 

I slammed the door and immediately called Lisa. She gave very little away and soon after I heard Cas' voice in the background once more. It was like he was following me, haunting me from miles away. She told me she loved me and hung up. Leaving me alone again. Right now the only person I could have a conversation with was Gadreel but I don't think he would appreciate being sucked into my little soap opera so I got into the car and waited for Sam to come and find me. 

****

"Dean?" I must been out for hours because when I woke up it was pitch black and Sam was standing by the window trying to get my attention.

"Yeah..what?" I sleepily rubbed my eyes and got up. "What's going on?"

"Metatron's gone off the radar." He sighed and shook his head. "Gadreel's gone to look for some angels who might be able to help but for now there's nothing we can do. We should probably hit the road."

"Sure." I tossed him the keys and shuffled into the passenger seat. "But you drive man I'm beat." He nodded and got in. 

"How's Lisa?" He asked, a hint of knowing in his voice that I chose to ignore. 

"She's fine, she had to go help Cas with something and she never called me back so I assume they're having a girls night in." Sam chuckled and pulled out of the motel lot. 

"Look Dean I'm sorry I shouted at you earlier, I was just worried about the guy. He hasn't been himself lately and we're all worried about you-"

"Just stop worrying about me. And sure Cas doesn't have his mojo but he can take care of himself. He's a dorky little guy but he has common sense and years of Angel training behind him. We don't need to worry about Cas." I had no idea why I was opening my mouth and continuing to speak when I didn't mean a single word. All I had been doing was worrying about Cas. Having no power was killing him and to top it all off I'd slept with him and left him with my new fiancé. What kind of dick move was that? 

"Fine but you do need to talk to him. You know full well when he got back from the motel he told me everything. Which was more of a shock than what actually happened." I tried to close my eyes and shut Sammy out but he kept on going. "Why did you do it? Lisa was back Dean and you'd already got with her, so why Cas? Why now?" 

"I don't know alright. I wasn't thinking straight. He was there and I needed someone. Just happened to be Cas." 

"Bullshit. I know there's been something going on between you two for years and I was over the moon when you got together. It's just a shame you had to hurt him so much. Lisa isn't right for you Dean." I could feel Sammy tense up, awaiting my reaction to the last statement.

"I know." I whispered and I knew he was surprised to hear me agree with him. "I was stupid bringing her into this life I just wanted to prove to her and myself that I could keep someone safe. I owe it to her after what happened to Ben. She's my responsibility." 

"But Dean-" Sam began

"No Sam listen. She is but I have to let her go. I do want to be with her. That year I had living a normal, apple pie life was wonderful. I got to teach Ben all the things I remember teaching you when you were a kid. I got to sleep in a safe warm bed and wake up to fresh coffee every morning. It was perfect. But you weren't there, and neither was Cas and I don't know what my life would be like without you guys anymore. I need her but I need you more." I had finally come out with it. The truth, not the whole truth but a good portion of it which was more than Sam usually got from me. 

"Okay. Good so you realise that you have to tell her." Sam swallowed, taking it all in and no doubt still expecting me to swear undying love for Cas. "So will you when we get back?"

"Yes....and I'll tell her what happened with Cas back the motel too, if he hasn't already." I took a deep breath and prepared myself for a long awkward drive home now. "I wouldn't blame him if he had...she needs to hear it from both of us." I settled down in my seat. "I'm gonna try and sleep the rest of the way home Sammy, wake me when we hit Kansas." 

****  
I woke up when we hit Burlington on the edge of Colorado. Nightmares had been getting worse and I started to get edgy. I just wanted to be safe and sound in the first place I'd been able to call home since we were kids. Sam was on the phone and I couldn't make out the voice on the other end of the phone.

"We'll be back in about three hours can you wait until then?" Sam paused and waited for a reply. "No don't leave look..no..please just wait for us okay please?" He hung up the phone and threw it into the back seat.

"Watch the leather Sammy." He jumped out of his skin on hearing my voice. "Crap don't do that! I thought you were sleeping."

"Yeah, I guess I've slept more than I usually do today, needed to be awake for a while. What time is it?"

"About 8. We'll be back before midnight." Sam yawned.

"Why don't we stop at a diner, get some food and I'll drive home later man you look beat."

"I am...but honestly I just want to get back."

"What's going on? Who was that on the phone?" I frowned, he may not be able to get straight answers from me but I was sure as hell dragging them out of him.

"Cas." Sam took a deep breath. "He's not doing too well he had an argument with Lisa. We need to get back as soon as we can and stop him from leaving."

"Lisa? What..why? Why would they argue?" I was stammering like an idiot, my heart starting to race. 

"I think he told her what happened at the motel. She said she didn't care. Sounds to me like she's only with you to piss the poor guy off." Sam snapped. I didn't realise he wasn't a fan of Lisa, they seemed to get on okay, I thought he was happy for me. 

"Erm. Okay Sammy take a step back. She wouldn't do tha-"

"Stop it Dean. You can see for yourself when we get home. Until then just get some more sleep. I'll wake you up when we're home." 

****

True to his word, Sam woke me up when we pulled into the garage but only by slamming the car door. 

"Get up." He threw my duffel at me and stormed off. 

"Dude what the hell?!" I got out and followed him up the stairs and into the main hall. "Come on Sam what?"

"You don't get it do you?" He yelled, throwing his bag down. "I've had Cas on the phone twice more since we left Burlington. He's been crying and I didn't even know angels could do that. He's gone to find a motel to spend the night in."

"How is that my problem?" I spat back but inside I was fucking aching. I wanted to find him.

"Because you screwed him over. He's in love with you Dean. Wake up." 

"Well I'm in love with him too" I roared in reply before I could stop myself. 

"What...." Lisa suddenly appeared in the door way. 

"Look Lis I'm sorry. You should go back to Indiana, stay with your folks for a while. I need to find Cas I'm so sorry."

"I understand...." She began but I could see the tears forming. 

"Lisa I do..I did love you but things can't work. You aren't safe here. You need your life back." I swallowed and looked away.

"I'm sorry Dean I....Sam can you drive me back in the morning?"

"Erm..yeah sure." Sam looked confused, he turned to face me. This was all happening impossibly quickly it didn't feel real. I didn't want anyone to think I was looking for a quick easy ending here. 

"Sammy I need to go find Cas can you stay here?"

"Of course.." He smiled and walked over to Lisa. "Come on I'll take you back now. You'll be back in Indiana before morning. She nodded and the two of them disappeared. I stood in the wake of destruction for a few more moments, making sure this was absolutely what I wanted, before deciding that it was and racing to the car. I had to find Cas. I had to let him know I loved him.


	10. Cas

I paced up and down the motel room, waiting for Sam to call. I had a moment of clarity. Lisa was right, Dean wasn't gay he just needed a quick fix, he needed to be held, to feel like he was wanted. I threw my phone across the room and slammed my fist into the wall...over and over again until I couldn't even feel the blood pouring out of my knuckles. I looked down at the state of my hands and slumped to my knees. I'd screwed up and now I could never ever go back. 

Carry on my Wayward Son  
There'll be peace when you are do-

I answered the phone and, shaking, pressed it to my ear. 

"Cas...Dean's on his way over. I told him where you were staying...are you okay?"

"Sam no. I can't I'm not no." I stammered, my breathing quickening. I could feel the last of my grace slowly falling away. "Please." I could feel more tears forming, I didn't think it would be possible to cry any more. 

"Cas...calm down it's going to be okay he-"

Sam's voice was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Sam he's here..I...I..." I trailed off.

"Cas you in there? Open up man it's me." I could hear Dean hammering at the door, I knew he wouldn't let up until I opened it. 

"Just get the door, let him in. He has something to say I promise this will be okay." With those last reassuring words I hung up. 

"C-come in.." I half called out. Dean came hurtling through the door. 

"Cas listen there's something I-" He stopped dead in front of me, I was still sat in a heap on the floor in the corner of the room where I'd thrown the phone just minutes before. "What happened?" He asked, getting to his knees and trying to take my battered hands in his. I snatched them away and winced at the sharp pain that shot through me.

"Nothing." I staggered to my feet and made my way clumsily to the bed. I needed to sit down, I needed to calm down. 

"Come on what's going on are you okay?" He sat on the bed adjacent to mine and frowned at me. 

"Forget it. Go back to Lisa." I hissed, refusing to make eye contact with him.

"Look that's actually what I came to talk to you about.."

"Oh yeah let me guess you left her to be with me." I muttered, snorting at the thought.

"Erm, yeah pretty much." He shuffled his feet awkwardly as he waited for me to say something.

"Wait..what. No Dean don't this isn't fair." I was supposed to just say it but I ended up screaming at him. 

"I'm not screwing with you Cas I wouldn't, not about this. I came back because I never had the nerve to say it before. I don't just need you Cas...I lo-" He coughed and took a deep breath. "I love you." 

"No." I whispered, sure that I was barely audible.

"What...Cas I thought this was what you wanted." Dean got to his feet, ready for a confrontation.

"Dean take a moment and think about this. Yes I have feelings for you. I've tried to convey my love for you on more than one occasion." I had no idea where my strength was coming from. "But you can't tell Sam and Lisa one thing and have me believe you were going to run off into the sunset with the woman of your dreams then walk in here and tell me you've changed your mind." I looked up at him, another fresh wave of tears starting to fall. "I do love you Dean and I'm glad you had the strength to tell me the truth...but I can't just let you into my life like that and expect not to get hurt."

"Please...please don't say this..not now please..." I could see his eyes filling up, the lump forming in his throat as he begged me to reconsider. 

"I have to. I need time. You hurt me when you pushed me away in favour of Lisa. You've never acted upon any of this before so why now? How can I let you now? After all this time?" I stammered, fighting the urge to throw my arms around his neck and tell him all was forgiven.

"I didn't want to believe it then but I do now. I acted too quickly, on an impulse. I need you Castiel please...please." Dean took a few steps towards me and rested his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him away.

"No!" I cried, "You can't charm your way back. I can't forgive you yet. I NEED TIME DEAN." I was screaming now, and I wasn't about to stop. "YOU BROKE MY HEART. I NEEDED YOU AND YOU LET ME DOWN TO COVER YOUR PRIDE. I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT AGAIN I CAN'T LET YOU HURT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN." I dropped into my knees, sobs wracking my entire body.

"Cas..."

"Get out." I whispered.

"But-"

"GET OUT!" I roared at him once more, looking him directly in the eye so he knew I meant it. He didn't even bother to argue anymore, he nodded his head and turned towards the door. 

"I'll always be here for you Cas." He said as turned the handle. "Always." With that he was gone. And in that moment I didn't know if I would ever see him again.


	11. Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so short...I wanted it to be as accurate as possible and come as a shock if it could

I left that room and didn't look back. I had no idea where I was going to go but I got into the Impala and started the engine immediately. I pulled away from the motel and didn't bother looking in my rear-view mirror. I didn't turn on the radio or light a cigarette, I just clutched the steering wheel until my knuckles were white. I hit the highway and kept right on going. It was pitch black and the roads were almost completely empty. I tried not to play everything over, but I couldn't get the way he looked when he told me to leave out of my head. His knuckles were red raw and blood was pouring all over his lap as he held them. I shook my head. How could Cas be that bad...how could I not notice him being that bad? Maybe if I'd just given him a little bit more time, maybe if I had told him I loved him there and then in the motel....maybe if I hadn't started things up again with Lisa. The potential outcomes wouldn't leave me alone. Cas was all I could think about. I wanted to drive back to the motel and tell him to stop and just come with me. I'd tell him we didn't have to be together, I'd tell him to just talk to me about everything or nothing..whatever he felt comfortable with. I just wanted Cas right here beside me, I wanted him to understand. I needed that. I had never realised how much the thought of a life without Castiel hurt, I'd lost him before but I always had faith we'd find a way to bring him back, because he had wanted to come back. Now I don't know if he'll ever want to. 

I sped up and just stared at the road ahead of me. My phone started ringing and even though I didn't want to talk to anyone I picked up.

"Dean what the hell is going on? Cas isn't answering my calls." It was Sam. Who else.

"Well he ain't talking to me either Sammy, join the club." I snapped

"What happened?" He wasn't angry, just genuinely worried.

"Look I don't want to talk about it I just want to drive until I forget." 

"I'm taking Lisa back, we've just stopped for gas. If you get any word from Cas let me know."

"I won't Sam. He's done talking to me." I swallowed hard and forced back the tears.

"You don't get to give up on Cas-"

"I'M NOT. Sammy he gave up on me. He's done and so am I. I don't want to be here anymore I just want to go-"

**SAM'S POINT OF VIEW**

"Dean...Dean?!" I started screaming down the phone. He'd been cut off and there'd been a crash in the background, then the line went dead. "DEAN!" I carried on roaring, fearing the worst. He'd just told me he didn't want to be here anymore. What if he really meant that? 'God Dean please God be okay' I prayed silently to myself and got back in the car. 

"Sam what-" Lisa began.

"I'll drop you off at the bus station. There's something I need to do."


	12. Cas

I stayed there on the floor after he'd left for what felt like hours. I wasn't sad or angry any more, I didn't have the urge to run after him and tell him I loved him and I wanted him to stay. I just felt numb. I clutched my battered fists but I couldn't even feel the pain any more. I couldn't feel anything. My phone was ringing but I couldn't move to answer it. Who was I going to talk to anyway? Sam was driving Lisa back to Cicero and Dean and I weren't going to speak again. All my ties to the Winchester boys had been severed. I may as well turn myself into Metatron and get this whole mess over with. 

With great difficulty I staggered to my feet and pulled myself up onto the bed. I lay down, staring up at the cracks on the ceiling. The phone continued to ring but I had no energy left in me, I had no desire to fix things. I couldn't even patch my own injuries up without killing myself so I ignored the pain as it began to return and focused on closing my eyes. The feeling was coming back into my hands and they burned. I could barely touch anything without screaming out in agony. My knees were weak and my head was pounding but I lay there, perfectly still, listening to my ringtone over and over. It's a horrible feeling; feeling as though you have no one in the world to turn to. In all my years watching over humans, I've watched the most wonderful moments; two people falling in love, children being born, proud parents on graduation days...I turned away from the sadness and pain, knowing that my father would fix it. I remember one night I spent away from Sam and Dean I was sitting on a park bench, watching a small town settle down to sleep. I could hear a young girl praying, I hid myself from her but watched from her room as she begged for a friend. She clutched her pillow to her chest and spoke about how she had never felt more alone, and that no one in her life truly loved her. In that moment I saw her entire life before me. She had two wonderful parents, a small dog that was most loyal to her, she had friends at school and teachers who were so very proud of her. I frowned, confused....how could someone so loved feel so alone? It was only as I lay on that bed, feeling as though I were dying, that I truly understood. I had a friend in Sam still, Gabriel was my brother and he cared for me...I had other angels from my garrison that didn't want me dead, I had come across many people during my time on Earth that seemed greatly interested in my well-being. I was sure I could probably talk to any one of them....but I felt desperately alone in spite of that. That young girl was so strong, despite feeling so alone in the world. She wanted something she couldn't put her finger on. I knew what I wanted and it was slipping through my finger tips with every passing second. I would trade all of the lives I had saved, all of the moments spent studying mankind, I would even trade my grace and power - what little I had left - if it meant I could save Dean. If I could have him here, now, with no consequences. If I could give my thousands of years away, then believe me I would. I am in love with Dean Winchester. And when you truly love someone you can't let them walk away. I reached out to the bedside table, trying not to scream out as pain ripped through my shoulders. I collected my phone and checked my calls; every single one was from Sam. Without listening to the nine voice mails I called him back. It hurt to press the phone to my ear so I rested it on my chest and tried to get my breath back. 

"Cas?! Thank God you're okay man listen I need you. It's Dean he..."

"Is he okay?" I panted, the pain now tearing across my chest. 

"I'm on my way to pick you up." Sam's voice wobbled.  
"But what happened Sam?"

"We'll talk about it when I get there." He whispered

"Maybe I could come and meet you...I think I'm strong enough." I stammered.

"No." Sam said sternly, "I'm already on my way." 

*****

Sam arrived within ten minutes of me hanging up the phone. It all seemed incredibly sudden and suspicious. I called for him to come straight in, I was still unable to move. 

"Holy shit Cas? What happened are you okay?" Sam ran over to the bed and stood over me. 

"Not really Sam, the last of my grace....it's burning up. It's going to take me with it. There isn't much time. Take me to see Dean." 

"There isn't a lot left of him to see Cas..."

"What...is that supposed to mean?" I struggled with the words as I forced myself to my feet. 

"Dude you're gonna keel over, sit down." Sam tried, he really did, but I stayed standing. 

"Dean. Now."

Sam sighed and began to speak.

"The phone went dead. I heard a huge crash in the background. He was driving, I have no idea where, he'd just been to see you. I couldn't get hold of him, the phone wasn't even ringing any more so I spoke to Gadreel. He found him by the side of a road. The Impala is totalled and Dean's in pretty bad shape. Gadreel is with him now but he's too weak to heal him. Metatron's made all the angels pretty much powerless. Crowley's even working on a way to help him...but I don't hold out much hope." Sam's voice broke. I began walking towards the door, clutching my chest with my broken hands. 

"We...need...to...find him." I breathed, "take me to see him Sam."

"There's no way you-"

"NOW SAM." I coughed as the force of the words knocked all of the air from my lungs. But I had got my message across. He helped me to the car and together we made our way towards Dean.


End file.
